prove it
by ohwhatsherface
Summary: Not knowing, Sakura concluded, was the worst feeling in the world. It was positively infuriating, at that. Which is why she had to ask. "Are you guys gay? Like, together?"


**title:** prove it**  
author: **ohwhatsherface  
**warnings:** CRACK so I kindly ask you don't get defensive if your ship is being mocked, because once again, CRACK  
**note:** ah, this is just a random Sasuke-comes-back thing  
**disclaimer:** I do not own Naruto

…

…

Not knowing, Sakura concluded, was the worst feeling in the world.

It was _positively infuriating_, at that.

Which is why she had to ask.

"Look, you two, please don't take this the wrong way," Sakura began, playing with the hem of her shirt. When she got their attention, Sakura knew she had to continue what she started. "Just, I need to know – are you guys gay?" She swallowed nervously. "Like, _together_?"

At their completely stupefied expressions, Sakura considered that maybe – just maybe – she should have kept her mouth shut. As Naruto's cheeks grew redder by the passing seconds and Sasuke's eyes narrowed a fraction, Sakura shifted uncomfortably.

"You know what," Sakura said, chuckling, "forget I even asked—"

"_SAKURA-CHAN_!" Naruto shrieked. He flailed about, looking from her to Sasuke and back. "HOW COULD YOU EVEN_ ASK _THAT?!"

She sighed.

Damn.

"_What_," Sasuke hissed, gripping his bed sheets so tightly that his fists were even trembling, "what gave you _that_ impression?" His tone was cool and he appeared composed but Sakura could see the fury radiating beneath the utter embarrassment.

Sakura actually thought it over. "Um, er, well… y—you know… I… j—just… well… _everything…_"

Naruto pulled at his hair. "S—Sakura-chan!" His mortification was only continuing to grow and he brought his hands to his face. "Just… _what the hell_?!"

"Well you guys always share these _looks_ – these totally hot, intense _stares_!" she defended, crossing her arms. "And…" Her gaze went from the floor to Naruto. "Well, you're sort of more obsessed with Sasuke-kun than his _fangirls_ – like really, _man crush_,_ much_? I just think—"

"I'm _not _gay," Naruto interrupted indignantly. "I like girls! Boobs are what I live for, Sakura-chan, _I swear it_!"

Slowly, Sasuke nodded. "…yeah."

"If that's true, then what happened with Hinata?" Sakura asked, genuinely confused. "She's sweet and she's beautiful and _almost died for you_ because she loves you so much and… well you were _still_ so set on chasing after Sasuke-kun." Naruto opened his mouth but Sakura continued. "And don't even try to blame that on your Promise of a Lifetime! _You_ are the one who said it wasn't about that!"

With nothing to say, Naruto pursed his lips and frowned.

Sasuke cleared his throat. "Well, this seems more like _Naruto_ likes _me_, as in it is _one-sided_ – as in _I am not gay_."

Naruto gaped at him. "OI!"

"Please!" Sakura snorted. "Sasuke-kun, Naruto is like, the only person you talk to and open up to and I mean…" She shrugged awkwardly, "you don't show interest in females _at all_ – even when you were away from Konoha." Crossing her arms, Sakura stuck her nose in the air snootily. "Girls talk, Sasuke – the pretty redhead told me you showed more interest in the weather than women _which leads me to my conclusion_!" Sakura paused for effect. "You guys are gay…"

There was a short silence.

"…together—"

"I am _not_ gay," Sasuke growled, pointing accusingly at Naruto, "especially with _this_ idiot!"

Naruto glared back at him. "Oi! I'm not an idiot! Go to hell, bastard!"

"Shut up—"

"Oh, and the sexual tension!" Sakura chirped, cutting in with a proud smile for having just remembered another point. "And the pet names—"

"NOT. GAY." Naruto waved his arms wildly. "Straight, Sakura-chan, _STRAIGHT_—"

"—and The Kiss back in the Academy!" Suddenly, what used to be merely a speculation in her head was All Making Sense. She gasped at her revelation, no longer caring for their confirmation. "You guys _are_ gay!"

"IT'S NOT FUNNY ANYMORE," Naruto shrieked. "IT WASN'T FUNNY EVER, ACTUALLY. SO STOP NOW, SAKURA-CHAN, STOP."

Sakura pouted. "You don't have to get so defensive! I'm not trying to make fun of you guys, I'm just trying to understand—"

"There is nothing to understand," Sasuke stated coldly.

With much vigour, Naruto nodded. "SERIOUSLY."

"Okay, okay!" Sakura giggled and shrugged sheepishly. "I get it, you guys aren't a couple. But really, could you blame me for wondering?" At their dry stares, she supposed they could. Naruto began to stomp away and Sakura looked crestfallen for a moment. "Hey! Where are you going?"

"TO FIND GIRLS," Naruto yelled, ignoring the angry nurses telling him to lower his voice. "BECAUSE I LIKE THEM. GIRLS, SAKURA-CHAN, NOT GUYS, _GIRLS_."

She rolled her eyes. "Whatever—ow!" Sakura glared at Sasuke who yanked her down to sit on the bed. "What the _hell_, Sasuke-kun?" When he pulled her a little closer, Sakura stiffened, feeling uncomfortable under his roaming eyes. "Um… what are you doing?"

"Showing you I'm not gay."

Understanding, Sakura smiled widely.

"Oh. Well good luck with that, because seriously, you sort of put my gaydar on the fritz—mmph!"

…

…


End file.
